Once again here is a writing exercise undertaken by the members of my former writers group from Toronto,Canada.This one was based on the topic"If animals talked back"from the session on Monday,May 28.
We had both dogs and cats when I was a boy.The main difference between the two was that when you spoke,the dog,a white and brindle little mutt would listen attentively,while the cat would usually ignore you in favor of whatever it is cats think of.In truth,while I spent a lot of time talking to our dog-believe me,it beats imaginary friends-I have no idea if he understood me or not.
Dogs are just so fundamentally different from us,I'm not at all certain what it is a dog thinks,much less what one would say if he could talk back.Cats are another matter.Trying to explain what a cat is thinking to me would be like trying to explain Existentialist Philosophy to...well,to the cat.And even as I sit and ponder that analogy,I get the nagging thought that,in some cruel form of feline karma,the cat actually gets Existentialist Philosophy but can't or won't explain it to me.It's those kinds of esoteric thoughts that made me prefer canine company to feline or even human companionship.Dogs,you see are kind of straight forward and simple in terms of having no hidden agendas
I'm sure my dog was trying to tell me many things,but you see,he couldn't speak.Still,one of a writers skills is interviewing and I would be remiss in not sitting down with my dog and trying to gain his perspective on the life of our family.
Question:Tell me,what is your philosophy in life?
Dog:If you can't eat it or hump it,then pee on it.
Question:is it true that dogs don't like cats?
Dog:well,when you come to live in a family you have to make compromises within the context of your overall philosophy.So you have to try to get along.You see,the cat is too small to hump,and doesn't like humping anyway.And people take a dim view of us eating cats-who would have guessed...unsightly,unsanitary etc.So when it comes to the cat,there's only one thing left to do...
Question:why do you always jump into the drivers seat of the car when we stop at the store.
Dog:well I could say that it's because I like to be in control.But that would be a cat answer.Really though,it's because I've always wanted to drive.I could drive to the butcher shop everyday,then stop by and see that golden retriever that I never get to see because you always take the wrong street when we are going for a walk.And besides,if us dogs could drive,well,the freeway would be a lot safer.
Question:You seem to not like our cat?Can you tell me why?
Dog:What good is he.He eats my food when I'm not looking and he won't chase squirrels,even though he can climb trees and I can't...I've always been insanely jealous of those sharp things on the end of his paws. All he ever does is lay around and thinks about something he calls Existential Philosophy.What good is Philosophy of any kind...you can't eat it or hump it.On the other hand,"if you can't eat it or hump it,then pee on it."Pretty hard to get more existential than that.
Question:Whats the funniest thing that ever happened to you living in our family?
Dog:That's a hard question.Do you remember that time you were chopping wood in the yard and your mother was planting flowers...and that church lady came to visit.And I started humping her leg...well,you see she smelled like that golden retriever...really.But that's not very politically correct of me.So I'm going to say the funniest thing is that time when you went fishing and the end broke off that dry branch you made the rod from.Then what did you do?Spent the next 20 minutes throwing rocks so I would go out in the water and grab that stick and haul the fish in.I could have grabbed that thing right away,but you looked like such a buffoon .It just made sense to play along for a while.
Question:Did you feel like you were well treated in our family?
Dog:for the most part.But I never could understand why on the weekends your mother would cook bacon and bread and the smell would drive me crazy.But then at dinner time all I got was Alpo.But still I got to do a lot of great things...swim,go for car rides,chase cars,run in the woods...and there was that long car ride out west where we stopped and I found that gopher colony.Millions of gophers to chase.It was the most fun I've ever had.Yeah...it was a dogs life.And I did get even with your mom about the bacon...you remember that time the church lady came to visit?There was a time or two you forgot to leave me fresh water,but that was ok.There was lots of cool water in that big white thing.That big white thing was funny too.One time that cat,you know the one that fancies himself a philosopher when all he's really doing is ignoring you,well one time he tried to pretend he was a dog and he fell into that big white thing...funniest thing I ever saw...well,I guess you had to be there...and be a dog.
Well,it might sound something like that,but I really don't know.I really would like to hear the dog's perspective on driving though.And one or two times it's occurred to me that it might be interesting to present my story through the eyes of our dog.He's far more likely to provide an unbiased view than I am.
We had both dogs and cats when I was a boy.The main difference between the two was that when you spoke,the dog,a white and brindle little mutt would listen attentively,while the cat would usually ignore you in favor of whatever it is cats think of.In truth,while I spent a lot of time talking to our dog-believe me,it beats imaginary friends-I have no idea if he understood me or not.
Dogs are just so fundamentally different from us,I'm not at all certain what it is a dog thinks,much less what one would say if he could talk back.Cats are another matter.Trying to explain what a cat is thinking to me would be like trying to explain Existentialist Philosophy to...well,to the cat.And even as I sit and ponder that analogy,I get the nagging thought that,in some cruel form of feline karma,the cat actually gets Existentialist Philosophy but can't or won't explain it to me.It's those kinds of esoteric thoughts that made me prefer canine company to feline or even human companionship.Dogs,you see are kind of straight forward and simple in terms of having no hidden agendas
I'm sure my dog was trying to tell me many things,but you see,he couldn't speak.Still,one of a writers skills is interviewing and I would be remiss in not sitting down with my dog and trying to gain his perspective on the life of our family.
Question:Tell me,what is your philosophy in life?
Dog:If you can't eat it or hump it,then pee on it.
Question:is it true that dogs don't like cats?
Dog:well,when you come to live in a family you have to make compromises within the context of your overall philosophy.So you have to try to get along.You see,the cat is too small to hump,and doesn't like humping anyway.And people take a dim view of us eating cats-who would have guessed...unsightly,unsanitary etc.So when it comes to the cat,there's only one thing left to do...
Question:why do you always jump into the drivers seat of the car when we stop at the store.
Dog:well I could say that it's because I like to be in control.But that would be a cat answer.Really though,it's because I've always wanted to drive.I could drive to the butcher shop everyday,then stop by and see that golden retriever that I never get to see because you always take the wrong street when we are going for a walk.And besides,if us dogs could drive,well,the freeway would be a lot safer.
Question:You seem to not like our cat?Can you tell me why?
Dog:What good is he.He eats my food when I'm not looking and he won't chase squirrels,even though he can climb trees and I can't...I've always been insanely jealous of those sharp things on the end of his paws. All he ever does is lay around and thinks about something he calls Existential Philosophy.What good is Philosophy of any kind...you can't eat it or hump it.On the other hand,"if you can't eat it or hump it,then pee on it."Pretty hard to get more existential than that.
Question:Whats the funniest thing that ever happened to you living in our family?
Dog:That's a hard question.Do you remember that time you were chopping wood in the yard and your mother was planting flowers...and that church lady came to visit.And I started humping her leg...well,you see she smelled like that golden retriever...really.But that's not very politically correct of me.So I'm going to say the funniest thing is that time when you went fishing and the end broke off that dry branch you made the rod from.Then what did you do?Spent the next 20 minutes throwing rocks so I would go out in the water and grab that stick and haul the fish in.I could have grabbed that thing right away,but you looked like such a buffoon .It just made sense to play along for a while.
Question:Did you feel like you were well treated in our family?
Dog:for the most part.But I never could understand why on the weekends your mother would cook bacon and bread and the smell would drive me crazy.But then at dinner time all I got was Alpo.But still I got to do a lot of great things...swim,go for car rides,chase cars,run in the woods...and there was that long car ride out west where we stopped and I found that gopher colony.Millions of gophers to chase.It was the most fun I've ever had.Yeah...it was a dogs life.And I did get even with your mom about the bacon...you remember that time the church lady came to visit?There was a time or two you forgot to leave me fresh water,but that was ok.There was lots of cool water in that big white thing.That big white thing was funny too.One time that cat,you know the one that fancies himself a philosopher when all he's really doing is ignoring you,well one time he tried to pretend he was a dog and he fell into that big white thing...funniest thing I ever saw...well,I guess you had to be there...and be a dog.
Well,it might sound something like that,but I really don't know.I really would like to hear the dog's perspective on driving though.And one or two times it's occurred to me that it might be interesting to present my story through the eyes of our dog.He's far more likely to provide an unbiased view than I am.
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